Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Dear Trump Supporters

My dear, fine, fellow American citizen who is openly and publicly supporting Donald Trump for President Of the United States Of America, I beg of you: soldier on. 

Your solidarity, appreciation and outspoken endorsements of Donald J Trump are a breath of fresh air. I respect not only your resolve to wholeheartedly support the candidate to whom you feel so closely attuned, but your continued commitment to educating and informing the world about what makes him your candidate, too. 

I'll be honest: as an independent voter who is female, educated and probably prone to being targeted by your specific demographic, I agree that my enthusiastic support of you exercising your constitutional rights seems a bit... Suspect. But I promise you that I'm completely sincere in my deepest wishes for you to continue your valiant efforts.

'Why?!', you must be asking. We're supposed to be enemies, after all. Oh, I know. But these politics, they divide, don't they? However, I have a few reasons why I'm such a fan of your outspoken Trump-ian-ism. 

First of all, those yard signs? Probably the best invention since Christianity painted Jesus as a white, blue-eyed savior, amirite?! You like them because they shout about your deeply-held and culturally-oppressed values and I like them for the same reason! After all, they're going to make it very easy on me this Halloween as I intentionally avoid taking my nephews anywhere close to you or your house. 

The bumper stickers are similar, too -- they carry some real 'oomph'! I find them very appealing when paired with the fuzzy dice testicles or even that fancy molded ballsack hitch your cousin Jeb gave you for Christmas, but most effective when matched with an oversized truck that spews black smoke because fuck the environment! Drill baby, drill. I like that you can appreciate the business cred of someone like Trump, who not only builds entirely useless and gaudy piles of gold-slathered shit, but undercuts governmental standards in pay, health care and even the basic protections of his foreign employees. I really admire your economic acumen and Walmart habit -- not everyone can wear THAT much Duck Dynasty swag as they roar into the parking lot shouting about how Hispanics are stealing our jobs. 

You know what I really love the most, though? The thing that really does it for me? Your social media. 

Now, we all know that interconnectedness has been a thing since the late 90s when AOL messenger really exploded, but I commend the maverick cowboy style you've adopted during Trump's candidacy -- you give no fucks, and you ain't sorry. That post about how Hil is such a c**t and the feminist lesbian bitches who support her should all get raped and die and you'd do it yourself, but there's not enoughto go  around?! Uh-MAZING. Or the one (that was probably a lie, now that I think about it), describing how you physically assaulted and harassed a Muslim high school student in a parking lot?? Come ON! Crazy mad respect, you gangster you. Do you know why I hold these in such high regard? Why, because you make them so easy to capture and share, of course! Friends, family, law enforcement... You get the point. After all, it takes balls of steel to openly brag about and promote racism, hate crimes, discrimination and genocide, which is probably why that bitch from HR will wander in and tell you that you're fired tomorrow. Because you're a stone-cold badass on Twitter, pal, and you're calling it like you see it!

But GOD! Doesn't it just feel so good to get it all out? You've been holding it back for so long, and all that white supremacy truth is really hard stuff to conceal. But now, you've got a presidential candidate saying it, so who cares about how it affects you, right?! It's not like they can take your job... Or your kids... Or that your wife/girlfriend/partner/family/friends will all suddenly realize that you're a homicidal, terrified little bigot and suddenly up and leave you. That's just crazy talk. 

Because actions don't have consequences in the real world. And people are too sensitive anyway. 

So you keep flying that freak flag, you maniac...

The rest of us appreciate y'all identifying yourselves for the first time in a very long while. Out here in a well-adjusted, non-delusional society, your kind have no place. As you pine away for a time that never occurred and a culture that didn't exist, everyone else is adapting and changing and innovating as we move towards a united human front where we confront less mundane concerns (the worry about 'PC culture' amid your rising homophobia and racism) and tackle the really big issues, you know, like how our planet is dying due to continued abuse and exploitation or the widening economic gap crippling communities and stalling production around the globe.

It helps to know right off the bat that we can count you out; we're now fully aware that you'll be sitting around stabbing signs into your yard and angrily slamming on the keyboard about dudes and buttholes and bitches wearing shoes and rag heads (whatever that even is -- perhaps it's the doll that you hug at night as the specter of your own fear and woeful inadequacy tears it's way through your psyche?). 

We thank you for that. Because while you focus on singling out skin colors and building walls, the rest of us are shaking hands, building bridges and embracing science that has shown human genes to actually be race-less... Luckily for you, it's also similar science that'll save your miserable ass from kicking the bucket (unfortunately) when those cheddar chicken wings and beer catch up to your heart and liver and you're begging for an organ donation. 

So keep on keepin' on, you human pieces of waste. We appreciate you identifying yourselves and encouraging us to build a smarter, more productive society... Without you.