I often wonder why people want to pay me to say shit on the Internet, and this morning, I realized what it is: I'm extraordinarily, fantastically mediocre. But I'm loud about it. I'm hilariously terrible. My mediocrity is on full display at all times because I never learned the value of shame and really don't give a flying fuck about whether or not I have something to lose. Because, c'mon -- no one is getting out alive, guys. Is it REALLY that important? The entire human race is a stage where mediocre plays out, and I'm the lead (in my own mind, at least).
Oh, sure... Sure. Sometimes I care. I care deeply about a lot of things. But, like most (read: all) people on planet Earth, I generally only give enough of a shit to convince myself I'm still partially human. Because we care about equality, right? Civil rights, that fuzzy-tummy feeling? We care about climate change? We care about war and finances and consumption and recycling and yet, I drive to work in a gas-guzzling truck to sell shit people don't need to make money to buy stuff I don't need to race bikes kind of mediocrely to get hurt to pay bills to go back to work and...? The cycle begins again? Sure. We care. I CARE, DAMMIT.
You know the poor idiot that shop mechanics hate because the idiot knows just enough about bikes to make a total disaster of everything, but not nearly enough to actually fix the shit they broke? That's me. With life. I'm that guy (or gal). And I routinely spew total nonsense. I break shit, but guys, I know what I'm doing here, okay?! Sometimes, it's because I'm curious about how much shit people will actually believe and regurgitate and sometime, it's because I really truly have good intentions. Mostly, it's a mixture of both. I want change but I'm lazy as a fat cow on a sunny day. I have talent, but it's generally wasted. I like reading, but there are so many words. I'm curious, but only so long as there's a low risk of anything bad happening. AND YOU'D BETTER ENGAGE ME, DAMMIT. And my opinion is fact, and nothing else matters and that makes me think about Metallica and the most over-strummed song IN HISTORY. Every guitar hero knows those fucking chords.
Anyway. Mediocrity. Where was I?
Oh, yeah. I am the internet's embodiment of mediocre. No, I don't know the riff in Nothing Else Matters, but I do have an opinion about everything, and it changes with the wind. If someone I respect even farts, it'll probably influence my thought patterns one way or the other. I'm THAT flaky. Speaking of flaky, I'm also that. I'm the friend that always cancels plans because hey! Mediocre is as mediocre does, guys. It's not like life actually interferes with anything, right? Besides: repeated brain damage is a preeeeeetty powerful excuse when it comes to not giving a shit.
And I guess that's what half-assing everything really does for a person: it frees up all of this exta time for me so I can write stupid comments and throw shit fits about how I make (on average) $.78 to every $1 that a guy does. Unless you live in Utah (where I currently reside), and the it's only $.70. Oops. Or the fact that all I'll ever be judged on is my looks. But I'm even mediocre at that -- I can't actually remember wearing lipstick a day in my life except for this one time on Halloween where I got really smashed and had black lips all night. And even then, my mediocrity was hidden... Because I was trendily drunk, guys. It wasn't even a serious drunk. I was ironically intoxicated, people (although the puking sure felt real). There was (and is) a layer of bullshit hiding my terrible lack of substance.
I've started thinking seriously about this. And I'll tell you what; the world DOES reward mediocrity. In fact, that's the only thing it actually rewards. EL James, Kim Kardashian, George W Bush, Donald Trump, Anthony Weiner... Don't get me started about the athletes with rudimentary skill and model-type looks. All mediocre as fuck and yet they all seem to be the ones in positions of power or wealth or fame.
So they're right. "The world doesn't reward mediocrity." It TREASURES it. The world adores mediocrity. We have what, an author who wrote a grammatical holocaust of an erotic book series, a woman who became famous for her sex tape, a daddy's boy who lied about WMDs, a morally, socially and financially bankrupt windbag and the guy who sent dick pics to the world? Sure. We definitely don't reward mediocrity. Because all of the great minds and souls in history have been so treasured, right?! Of course. Joan of Arc wasn't burned because she was brilliant or brave, huh? Galileo wasn't persecuted because of his extraordinarily intelligence? Plato? Even Einstein, right? He totally died rich and fulfilled and supported by the masses. No, we certainly don't reward mediocrity. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
We eschew everything bright and beautiful and wonderful to maintain the status quo and then publications like 'Fortune' highlight company men who say cliche shit like this. And everyone buys into it. But no... Mediocrity isn't rewarded. Not by us.
The best part about my total success as a mediocre blowhard is that I can pretty much shape whatever I say to match the demographic I'm selling to and be almost completely sure that whatever it is I'm schilling, someone on the Internet will get butt-hurt about. It's pretty cool to be that fucking ridiculous, guys... Gotta be honest. If I can ride this idiot pony all the way to the pump house, maybe someday I'll get my own video blog or a paid podcast and then a reality TV gig where I meet my future partner who releases a secret sex tape and ride into the annals of history as the most mediocre fucking 'athlete' on the planet.
How awesome would THAT be??