Monday, September 9, 2013

Fear. Peace. Everything In Between.

I thought I knew what fear was until I started getting what I wanted. I thought I understood the lines between right and wrong and black and white. And now? I'm beginning to think I don't know shit about shit.

Let's go back to the mental implosion that began this thought process. A while ago, I wrote about 'To Thine Own Self Be True'. I was going through the end of an odd relationship and had many questions that (I imagine) most 26-year-olds have at some point or another about self, loyalty, how far is too far and whatnot. What I didn't know and couldn't plan on was that in a few short months, the words I had scrawled on my bathroom mirror in an enlightened fervor would become a taunt and I would be asking myself the same questions over and over again as I desperately search for peace. Is there such a thing as peace? Will the only solace I take from being true to myself be the words from Frank Sinatra's infamous 'I Did It My Way'?

How far will I allow myself to be pushed?

Over the past year, I feel as though I've evolved into someone more kind and more generous than I ever have been. More forgiving, less criminalizing. More understanding, less judgmental. Kinder and confident in my ability to differentiate between that very kindness and spineless weakness. What I'm struggling with now is how to draw the line between chosen magnanimity and seeming easily manipulated... Because I'm no dummy. Part of successfully bullshitting someone is knowing where to stop the bullshit, and I was a master at both for a very long time. However, my chosen naivete (or optimism or sunny perspective or kindness) has seemed to open the door to people who truly think me a fool. What to do about that? On the rare occasion I do choose to show the steel that lies beneath (i.e. 'the claws'), I'm suddenly transformed into a demonic monster bitch of epic proportions who can level cities with a singular angry glare (or so it's said).

More often than not, it's just me standing my ground.

I honestly am beginning to believe that people simply aren't accustomed to young women who refuse to be belittled, mocked or bullied into a corner yet who still treat others with kindness and consideration. I'm met with shock, confusion, rage and the occasional 'you're just insane' when the niceties DO stop and I'm still baffled about how to deal with it all. But I digress.

So do I wear a sign? Maybe tattoo a warning on my forehead? Or do I keep plugging away with the hope that someday it will just be common knowledge that I'm really, really nice until someone tries to fuck with me? Or that I'm actually not super scary; just behave and we'll all live through this?