Friday, February 4, 2011

Buying a used car is pure hell.

So BV and I sold our Jeep mid-January and have been searching for a new 4-wheel drive vehicle. While the car was in pretty solid condition and still running well, it was old enough and we were bored enough that we figured, 'Why not buy something new?' To us, that is.

I wish we had kept the damn Jeep because essentially, people fucking suck.

We have driven to Provo (twice!), Heber, Draper, Cottonwood Heights, Layton and Sugarhouse. We've called beforehand, had cash in our pockets and have meticulously planned out every detail so as not to be robbed, jumped, conned or under-bid. Every single time, the seller(s) have lied, conned, or sold the vehicle right out from under us after we've driven over an HOUR to look at their cars.

If you're selling a car that has no rust, IT HAD BETTER BE RUST FREE, GODDAMMIT. If it runs well, THE ENGINE SHOULD NOT TICK, TOCK, CLICK, BANG, OR SHAKE. I'm not buying a fucking clock, people. Don't tell me that "It's in great shape for the year." or that "it blue books for _____". BLUE BOOK IS A DEALER'S STANDARD, you idiot. When a car is 'Blue Book', it means that you've gone over every single detail of the car, making sure it is in tip-top shape for that year, for that price.

Being a private seller on KSL, you're not a dealer. Unless you're wearing a plaid suit in an ugly shade of shit brown when I stop in your driveway, you're not a used car salesman. Don't act like it. As far as we're concerned, if you don't have paperwork and receipts confirming the fact that you had a new transmission installed last year or that the engine has a factory rebuild, it never happened. If the paint is peeling or faded, the exterior condition of the vehicle is "POOR". Claiming that it's anything else is a lie.

If the brake lights don't work, the doors are broken or it won't pass emissions, please don't declare that it's in great condition. If your used 4-Runner is running on 5 cylinders instead of all six and you've been driving it for a year? Congratulations, asshole -- you've just run a car into the ground. DO NOT TELL ME IT'S IN GREAT CONDITION. When I ask why the entire front end looks as if it's been replaced, please don't insult my intelligence by saying that it's just been cleaned. THE BODY IS BUCKLED, MORON. Your radiator is shiny and new, as is the front grille that's been wire tied to that new radiator. The headlight joints don't match up, the paint is a different color and you're grinning as if you're an angry Arab selling me a nuclear bomb. YOU'RE A LIAR.

When you allege to be selling your car because your husband is leaving for Iraq in the morning (sob!) but have dropped the price of the car $800 to match what we offered you because it's been online for a month, only to sell it two minutes before we arrive... Your story has holes. You're not a soldier, you're a greedy bastard.

If we call you from Heber to make sure you're not selling the car that's been online for two weeks, don't sell it to the asshole who shows up with cash and then explain that you sent us a text message once we pull in. WE ARE DRIVING DOWN. Quick law-check: Did you know that in Utah it is illegal to text and drive? What's wrong with a phone call? Are you too scared to tell someone you've changed your mind?

IF YOU'RE SELLING A CAR, DON'T BE A PRICK.

Tomorrow, we're going to look at another car. I'll be carrying a weapon.

WELCOME TO UTAH.