Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm an asshole.

I've come upon an understanding that is beginning to rock my world: I'm a massive jerk-off 

No, really. I'm the person who seems to always be harping on someone or trying to be smart or witty or snarky. I left an impassioned status update on Facebook berating people to look around and stop being dicks when suddenly, I realized that I am one. But here's the kicker: I don't mean to be. 

Seriously. I don't try to hurt others' feelings. I tend to be unselfish with my time and resources, but am also easily intimidated and thus, frustrated. I seem moody and picky, but I can be funny, charming and talented -- you just have to look beyond the prickly side of my personality that is a defense mechanism. Often, I try to sound smart and end up just sounding like a jackass; I'm attempting to be helpful or start conversation. I generally assume that people want information and understanding but regularly fail to realize that folks have bigger shit to worry about than some random fact or knowledge.  

In all honesty, I'm painfully shy. 

When I sit quietly and seem disdainful of the conversation or environment around me, I'm actually struggling to find something relevant or interesting to say. I'm not judging you but instead hoping you won't judge me by my lack of understanding of all things pop-culture or academic knowledge or anything else that I'm totally unaware of. I am opinionated and passionate, but also afraid to let it show through most of the time to avoid being seen as ignorant -- ignorance scares the shit out of me. I'm awkward and rude and can be a massive bitch -- but 90% of the time, it's not purposely. I have a hard time relating to others and making friends. At times I'm hyper-aware of everything going on around me. At other times, I have a penchant for tunnel vision and could be hit by a train before I'll lift my head to look around.

I want to be liked. 

I'm worried that if I let my guard down, no one will like me. So instead of being myself, I put on an overly-confident face and fake my way through an outgoing personality. Maybe that's the reason I hold people at arm's length; maybe a consciousness of myself leads to a misunderstanding of everyone else. 

So if I'm a bastard to you, I'm sorry.

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