Sunday, May 17, 2009

tough days...

friends ask me if i'm scared. folks ask me if the pain is going to bother me. they ask me if i'm terrified of going through what's coming and then giving everything up. 

they're pretty close -- i'm fucking scared out of my mind. 

i've felt pain, anguish and almost unbearable hurt. the kind that makes you vomit because your body is suffering so much it can't contain it; the kind that makes you think you're dying...and yet, i've also felt the kind of non pain that says you really are dying.

i think i prefer the mind bending, gut wrenching, eyes rolling kind of pain.

it tells me that yes, i'm still alive and yeah, i'm going to be okay.

it's the kind of pain that convinces us we're human and what we've done was really stupid. it's that kind of pain that we learn from and try to avoid and steer clear of...but it tells me that i'm real. that yes, i can bleed and i will continue to and the next little while is usually a bitch, but we come out of it - you know, physical therapy and rehabilitation, exercise, striving to regain our previous levels. and that's okay, because it's a good pain. it makes us a little more careful, a bit smarter and a whole hell of lot more determined not to do THAT again. 

but what i struggle with is the non - pain. the kind that means your body is saying, "okay, i've given up, and if i don't, the pain i'm going to feel is insane"...and we're kind of glad, but we struggle to hold onto life because of what it means to us. and so after we come out of that numb, non - pain state, we almost die because of the REAL hurt that comes. but i tell you what, both times it's happened to me, i've been almost grateful for the mind bending shit that comes...and it's crazy, but i've grinned once or twice, because at that point, i know everything is good, even if it's not. i''ll never be able to explain it to someone who hasn't felt it, but i promise -- that shit is fucking.....nuts.

and yet, for all of the physical pain that's coming, i think that if anything, it'll be the emotional stuff that is going to hurt the most. 

how do you give part of yourself away? as if it never existed? as if you didn't want it, love it, need it...but knowing that if you didn't give it away, you'll only be hurting the one thing you love? how do you convey the type of love it takes to take a child and hand her to a different mother? how do you get past the feeling of betrayal that you feel for the rest of your life? will she hate me? or will she be able to see that i couldn't give her the kind of life she deserved as the number one part of my life? that i couldn't give her the childhood i had?

i'm doing the right thing, but everyday for the rest of my life, i'm going to miss her. 

and that breaks my heart -- the one organ that doesn't recover.