Sunday, May 17, 2009

my untimely demise by lack of brain function...

earlier this morning (or late last evening, whichever is prefferable), i was given the opportunity to view a film with two fairly new aquaintences whose company i rather enjoy. we congregated and then proceeded to discuss exactly what we wished to subject ourselves to as far as watching something.

the movie 'jacket' with adrian brodie and keira knightly was our final choice and we began the film. those of you who have seen it know that it opens with an interesting quote -- one 
that immediately had me pondering over the complexities of life. "the first time i died i was 27. it was white everywhere and there was noise and something in the back of my mind needed escape."
for those of you who have not yet seen this, go rent it and come back.

so we're sitting there and i'm thinking, and my mind instantaneously goes to a time i  thought i was dying. i had actually just barely cut my finger, but for a five year old, it's traumatic. and i'm sitting here remembering watching my finger bleed and thinking, oh god, what happens when people die? i didn't scream or anything. i distinctly remember just sitting there, calm as can be, but worried that i was kicking my final can. of course, i didn't do anything about it, but i was scared that i wouldn't know where to go once i died. we're taught about the white light and angels and st. peter and all that bullshit, but i was still pretty worried. and then my next thought was, what will mom and dad do if i die? that's another sad story for another pathetically late night, but i moved away from that thought quickly. i honestly can tell you i have no idea how long i sat by the huge wooden island in my aunt's kitchen pondering my untimely death, but it kind of fascinated me. fascinated me, that is, until my eldest brother came in and saw i was bleeding profusely and then he thought i was going to die and i started to cry and.....oh god.

so back to my movie. i'm sitting here, picturing myself bleeding as a child, listening to the movie's script and i wonder --- do some of us really have the ability to come back? what if, as a kid, i actually had died because i was stupidly playing with knives? would i be given the chance to come back and relive it, albeit vicariously, through a spiritual sense? would whoever makes those descisions let me still be a kid because hell, i was just one stupid kid? or would they keep me up there?

so i'm thinking all of this and kind of being dazed as i stare at the screen and watch as the story line unfolds to reveal whatever, blah blah blah. is one soul more important than another? who decides? is how we die more important than what we will learn from dying? do others truly care when we die? or is their suffering stemming from the fact that they lost something? does every person we come in contact with have a connection to the last? are we supposed to learn from every small thing? or does shit just happen? like death? like someone getting nailed by a milk truck on his way to buy cigarettes? are we spots in a dark sky and some of us lights up but the majority will never be seen? those of us who are alone --- are we truly alone? some of us have family, some of us don't. but are family and friends what make us who we are? when we die are we still alone?

which goes back to the tree question -- if a tree falls and there is no one around to hear it, does it really make a sound?

when we're dying, is there really a white light? or is that theory some shady spot of shit someone told us so we wouldn't be scared when we were lost? do we cry when we die? or do we smile? is it important to kiss people's asses so that when we die and we're talking to the person in line ahead of us, we're like, "oh yeah. i was nice."? or do we do what we want, hurting others but eventually making ourselves happy? or vice versa? so when i die, can i come back? i'm not scared, i just want to know.............

see? i'm so messed up right now.......and i have a class at 8 am i'm never going to be up for. but i still have questions.

does anyone know how to get a hold of god?