Thursday, May 28, 2009

My meditation is back on track...

...literally. I took my first 'proud' run in a while last night and was so exhausted and so happy. Every stress in my life took a back seat for a while as I basked in the utter joy of having hit the wall again. To the non-runner, "the WALL" is a physical and mental state of complete fatigue to the point where you stop functioning. It's a scary, mean spot to find and extremely difficult to move past and tends to make one feel like a complete failure. 

Anyway, I hit the wall and started walking home, about three miles away. I was tired, thirsty and burnt out on this whole 're-try' effort, but somewhere between Kid Cudi's "Day n' Night" and Elton John's "Still Standing", a light came on. Everything I've given up, everything I've lost, everyone I've hurt off in the last few years came flooding back to me and it was impossible to keep walking... and I began bouncing on my toes. Then came a slow but forward calf-run followed by me stepping back into pace, grinning like a five year old. I hit the wall and moved past it, emotionally and physically, and ran the entire way home. I'm stiff this morning, but nothing compares to the serious effort it takes to put one foot in front of the other and just....keep......going....

And the utter thrill of finishing something.

It probably seems small to anyone but me. It must look insignificant compared to a larger task.  That's okay, because I know better. Coming out of a stressful and aggravating day to completely smash my own preconceptions gave me not just the will to take things head on, but the courage to look inside and question some of my own failings... and successes. To be proud of myself in a very, very, very long time is big thing. To move past my recent accidents and injuries and hospital visits and emotional issues to grin and throw my hands in the air is a big deal and a gratifying milestone. To know that I can push myself again is liberating.

To love myself again, for what I am and what I have the potential to be... is indescribable.